Touta Matsuda-Reanimator
by Maelstrom51210
Summary: A strange shinigami gives Touta Matsuda used Death Note pages and a Death Eraser three years after the Kira case. Undead hijinks and gore-filled hilarity ensues. "Matsuda, you idiot!"
1. Beginning

Touta Matsuda really had to buy some grapes. The man climbed out of bed, put on some clothes (namely, khaki pants and an "I love cats" sweater. It was a Thursday), and went to the store. Sadly, all the grapes at the store were horribly rotten. Matsuda, being the "smart" man that he is, decided to head deep into the store's storage room, proving once again that you can do anything if you're willing to misuse your police department badges.

Matsuda did not find grapes, but he did find tentacles. This being Japan, it wouldn't be weird to find some tentacles lying in a food bin somewhere, but these were attached to an immense, hideous face. Matsuda gasped at the specter. The green and purple mass rumbled and quivered, stumpy wings flapping as terrible claw grasped what seemed to be a black manila folder filed with many pages of paper. The beast turned its beady red eyes at the awestruck police man. "Hello" it whispered. Matsuda gasped in fear, hoping that no one could see his now wet pants. "What are you" he croaked. "I'm….Batman" the abomination snarled. There was a long pause. "Ha, just kiddin', I'm actually a shinigami. You were on the task force that took down Kira, right?" laughed the monster. Matsuda nodded his head. "Bitchin'. Here, take these" said the shingami as he handed Matsuda the folder and a strange white eraser. The man accepted them with wide eyes. "Like 'em? Good. Have fun" said the shinigami, who flew away as soon as Matsuda stopped staring at the items.

Matsuda rushed home as soon as he could. While Mr. Whiskers and his thirty-nine other cats would be disappointed with the lack of grapes, Matsuda was certain that investigating arcane items from a Death God was more important. He opened the folder. It was filled with notebook paper, some whole sheets, others tiny scraps. On each piece, names were written. Reading these , Matsuda came to a stunning realization. These were Death Note pages, and they contained the names of all the people who were killed during Kira's reign of terror. Matsuda glared at the pages, and then at the eraser. Suddenly, he was filled with the urge to erase all the names. And he did, erasing the night away as his cats watched. By morning, Matsuda was proudly beaming at the pages, which were erased completely of names. But deep inside his stomach, Matsuda felt a rumbling ominousness. Certainly, terror was about to seize the world.

Actually, it was just flatulence. Matsuda cursed those five-bean burritos.

Innsmouth cemetery was where they held all the burials from the nearby prison. Two guards, Ted and Frank, were doing their daily rounds in order to catch any intruders. Usually, it was just chipmunks and stoners, but Frank once found a mass murderer skulking around. Today, it was quiet, if dark. Frank laughed as his partner stumbled around. "What's up Ted? Are ya scared" he snorted. Ted shook his head. "No, I jus' got me foot stuck on a branch, thas' all". "Really? Looked like you were…." Both men paused as hey heard a clattering through the woods. 'What was that?" asked Ted. "I'm sure it was jus' a squirrel. C'mon, shine yer light at it" replied Frank. So they did. There was a squirrel. Frank laughed as Ted blew a sigh of release. "See?" said Frank. "It's nothin'". Frank turned his head toward Ted, but the other man wasn't there. "Ted? C'mon, buddy, that's not funny!" he shouted. Frank heard more clattering. It was the last thing he heard before the hideous claws grasped his neck.

_**Yeah, I really don't know how this one popped up. Must've been something in the Nutella. But anyway, this will continue, so hold tight. Also, please review.**_


	2. Panic

Matsuda had taken a quick map before turning on the TV. Skipping past the usual Eighties music videos and My Little Pony reruns, he eventually found the news channel. What Matsuda saw shocked him. On screen, a panicked female news reporter was talking rapidly on screen as blurry pictures showed behind her.

"At 9:00 AM last night, bodies began to rise from their graves. The corpses began walking and then proceeded to start attacking and killing people. Of note seems to be that most of the corpses are those of people killed during the Kira cri…" The newscaster was cut off as she was attacked by a pair of corpses. The screen went fuzzy. Matsuda stared at the TV for five minutes, bottom eyelid twitching erratically. Then he ran out the door screaming.

Aizawa was having a terrible day. First, his car wouldn't start, causing him to have to carpool in Ide's Smartcar. It was especially terrible since due to the car's small size, Aizawa had to be strapped to the top with a bicycle chain. He had lost count of the bugs up his nostrils by the fiftieth insect. There was also the small problem of the dead rising up to consume the flesh of the living, but since that was a common occurrence at his wife's family reunions, Aizawa wasn't too concerned. The day got even worse when Matsuda came running into the police office screaming while wearing a lame cat sweater. Aizawa sighed.

"You know it's Friday, right?" he said. Matsuda looked at the sweater, then looked around with a panicked expression.

"Aizawa! Where are the others?!" he asked. "And shouldn't the zombie apocalypse outside be of more concern than my sweater?!". The police chief simply shrugged as he pointed Matsuda in the direction of a door in the back of the police station. Matsuda ran into the door.

"Ouch" said Matsuda as he opened the door and went inside.

The door led to a rather large and dark underground closet.

"Who's there?!" asked a voice nervously. Matsuda turned on the light switch. He found his fellow police men Mogi, Ide and Yamamoto cowering on the floor.

"Hey, guys, it's just me" said Matsuda.

"That isn't much of a relief" muttered Yamamoto. Ide was the first of them to stand up.

"Um, hi, Matsuda. Do you want to join us in cowering in fear of the monsters outside?" asked Ide. Matsuda looked at his comrades. He looked at the looks of fear on their scared faces. He knew that something had to be done. So Matsuda, our brave hero, gallantly said:

"Yes". And at that, Matsuda joined the others in cowering. They all sat like that together for a good five minutes before a a clattering came from the back of the closet.

"What was that?" asked Yamamoto.

"I think someone should look at it" suggested Matsuda.

"Quick, Nose knows, guys" said Mogi. All the policemen touched their nose while exclaiming "Not It!" At least, all of them except…

"Matsuda's it!" said Ide as he forced our hero to get up and investigate the strange sound.

Matsuda silently crept toward the source of the sound. Seeing nothing, he almost turned back. However, the shinigami materialized behind him.

"Hai" said the shinigami. Matsuda turned around and screamed at it.

"What the heck man! You made me soil myself again!" complained Matsuda. The shinigami stared at Matsuda for a very long time.

"Okay, ew." It said. "Anyway, I just came by to check on you. Well, that and the zombie apocalypse you caused last night."

"I caused what?" asked Matsuda.

"Yeah, that eraser I gave you is a Death Eraser. It was created by the Shinigami King to prevent things like the Kira crisis from happening again. The only problem is that if you use it after the body has reached a certain amount of decay; they're reanimated as cannibal monsters. And you just used it on a bunch of Kira victims" said the shinigami.

"Then why'd you give it to me?" whined Matsuda.

"'Cuz I knew the effect would be hilarious. My names Cuttles, by the way, and I'll be watching your progress. I think you better go back to your buddies now, I hear them calling" replied the shinigami. And with that, Cuttles flew off. Matsuda was left dumb-struck before he ran back to his companions.

"Hi, Matsuda" said Ide as he threw poker chips down. "Who were you talking to?"

"Huh, what, oh, I just, um, practicing for a play" stuttered Matsuda.

"Pretty strange play if it involves someone saying they soiled themselves" commented Yamamoto. "Okay guys, show your hands" Ide put down a two of a kind and Yamamoto put down a bum hand. "What about you, Mogi?" asked Yamamoto. Mogi smiled as he put down his cards.

"Full house" said the quiet officer as he put down his cards. The other two groaned as Mogi took all the chips. Again, Matsuda looked at his fellow officers. He saw that under their poker faces there was a fear for their lives. And unlike last time, Matsuda actually said something useful, unlike the boring fake-out from last time.

"Guys, I think we should contact L. He should know about how to stop this mess. And by L I mean Near" All the others looked at Matsuda with a mix of awe, admiration and 'OMG, Matsuda, why U so stoopid?'

"Um, sure, Matsuda" said Ide. "Why don't you ask Aizawa?" Matsuda stood up, saluted, and ran out the door. Yamamoto looked down at his cards.

"I think I check" he said.

The lumbering corpse stumbled trough the streets of Tokyo. It could smell in the air that it would arrive at its destination soon. The monster looked around, which was very hard considering it was pitch black out and the corpse had no eyes, only randomly glowing sockets. All it saw were the ruined streets, other undead, and a random hobo. It walked towards the homeless person.

"Oh, hello their, might you be interested in sparing a dime?" asked the hobo cheerfully. He did not get a dime, but he did get a stomach full of undead claws. The corpse ripped out the hobo's gastrointestinal tract and began munching on it. The blood-covered horror continued to eat its victim until naught was left except bloody bones. Hunger satisfied, the undead wandered off into the night, leaving the scraps to be consumed by the others. Soon, it would be at its destination.

_**Whoo! Two fics updated in one day! I feel so proud. So, thanks to a review, I've improved the formatting a bit. So, keep on reviewin'!**_


	3. Venture

"Yes, Matsuda, you should totally contact Near," said Aizawa. The police officer had just asked to go outside and find Near and the remnants of the SPK. Aizawa was honestly hoping that Matsuda would get eaten.

"Kay. But, uh, can I bring someone?" asked Matsuda. Aizawa sighed.

"Fine. Ide, Mogi, Yamamoto! Get up here!" called the police chief. The called officers emerged from the basement.

"We're not going on some stupid adventure with Matsuda, are we?" groaned Ide.

"No," said Aizawa. There was a pause. "…Only one of you are," There was a groan from the other policemen. "Don't do that now," snapped Aizawa. "Now, stand still while I pick one of you," Aizawa clapped a hand over his eyes. "Eeney, meeney, miney, mo, catch a Kira by its toe, if it hollers let it go, my mother told me to pick the best and you are it! Yamamoto, you're it,"

"Aw, man!" whined Yamamoto.

Matsuda was happily skipping through the barren city that was Tokyo while Yamamoto sulked behind him.

"Wheee! Isn't this fun, Yamamoto? We're going on an adventure!" beamed Matsuda.

"Matsuda, last time we went on an 'adventure', you almost caused World War III and summoned the Great Old Ones," muttered his companion. Both policemen stopped. "Did you hear that?" asked Yamamoto.

"Buh?" said Matsuda. Suddenly, low moans began to be heard. Both policemen turned in the direction of the moans. What they saw was a horrible sight.

The undead were grouped in packs, ready to hunt and kill. What remained of their rotting skin was green with mold. Their had long since rotted out, and the empty sockets glowed with a disturbing white light. The teeth, hair and nails were also longer than usual.

"Oh my God, Matsuda! What are we going to do?" asked the panicked Yamamoto.

"Quick! I'll read the instructions Aizawa gave me!" shouted Matsuda. He unfurled the instructions. "'Matsuda, if you are attacked by the undead, then you should totally stick your head into one of their mouths.' Huh, that seems kinda odd,"

"Matsuda, just grab a pole or something!" cried the dumb man's partner.

"Ha, silly Yamamoto, I can't find any Poles, were in Tokyo, not Warsaw, silly,"

"Gah, I guesss you won't have to worry about your brains being eaten by zombies," sighed Yamamoto.

"Thanks Yamamoto! I feel so safe!" said Matsuda cheerfully. Yamamoto groaned and facepalmed. The corpses were beginning to move in on the two when two other figures ran up behind the horde and began to shoot at it with machine guns. The newcomers were dressed in heavy armor with the faces concealed. Hey killed all the undead but one, which the taller of the two roughly grabbed and put into a heavy duty body bag. The shorter one turned to the police officers.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"OMG! Master Chief has come to save us!" squeed Matsuda. Both armored men looked at each other before taking off their helmets. It was Rester and Gevanni.

"We got the message from police chief Aizawa. Near sent us," said Rester.

"Near's in charge of Master Chief?" asked Matsuda.

"But why are you guys in Japan? I thought you went back to America when the Kira case was closed," asked Yamamoto. Gevanni looked at Rester, who nodded.

"Near'll tell you when we get back to the base. Come on," said the smaller American.

The two former SPK members lead Matsuda and Yamamoto to an abandoned looking warehouse. However, inside was filled with high-tech equipment and many former members of the SPK. On the far right wall Near was playing with a model plane set while watching several large TV screens which showed several streets around Tokyo. Rester walked up to him.

"Sir, we've brought the two that Aizawa sent. It's police officers Matsuda and Yamamoto," he said. "We've also mananged to capture one of the Reanimated"

"Nice job, Commander Rester, but I told you to only bring one non-human entity," replied the short detective.

"Hey, don't talk that way about my buddy Yamamoto!" shouted Matsuda. Yamamoto looked at his partner oddly.

"So, why are you guys in Japan instead of America?" asked Yamamoto.

"Good question. America has become overrun by Reanimated. We were barel able to escape," said Near.

"Okay. But what's with all this 'Reanimated' business?" said Yamamoto.

"It's the name we have given to these creatures after we left America" Near turned to Rester. "Remember that, Commander? You were there when I named them," he said. Rester facepalmed.

"How could I ever forget?" he said

*Flashback*

"Near! We have to get into the plane!"

"Not now, commander. I'm busy studying these creatures' behavior,"

"They're coming right at you! Do you _want _to be eaten by zombies?!"

"Actually, now that you mention it, I don't think these things are really zombies,"

"WHAT?!"

"Indeed. They don't seem to be created by any tradition zombie-related mean, such as viruses or application of Voudon rituals. Nor do they seem to spread their state of undeath. They seem more like wights or draugr or maybe even a revenant. I think we should call them Reanimated,"

"Godammit, Near,"

*End Flashback*

Rester facepalmed again.

"Near, you stupid child," he said. Yamamoto looked at Near and Rester.

"Okay," said the police officer. "So, What do you guys know about these Reanimated?" Near and his Commander looked at each other.

"We'll show you," muttered Near.

The corpse had finally reached its destination. It was a sad looking cemetery on the outskirts of Tokyo. The Reanimated lurched inside towards a solitary grave. It caught the light of a lamp. The Reanimated was tall and wore the tattered remains of an orange jumpsuit. It had long black hair, but its face was covered in burn scars. It moaned. A groan came from beneath the grave. The soil shuddered as an arm rose from the ground. The owner slowly pulled itself out of its grave. It was another Reanimated, which looked almost exactly like the other, but with a white shirt and blue jeans and no burn scars. The new corpse stumbled to the other.

"Rrrraaagghhh," it moaned

"Blaar raarr," replied the first one.

"Braaaaiiiinns?" asked the other,

"Braaaaaiiiiiiiiiinnnssss," replied the first. And at that, the two Reanimated shambled away together.

_**Like it? Please review.**_


	4. Knowledge

Near lead Matsuda and Yamamoto deeper inside the hideout. Matsuda was frankly surprised to see the ambiguously albino man-child actually move. He was pretty sure that Near just teleported or something. But here he was, leading the detectives with a weird crawling motion. Anyway, Near lead the two to a room that held several operating tables. The Reanimated that Rester caught was strapped to one of them. Nearby special agent Halle Lidner was observing it. Near nodded to her.

"Have you gained any new information from observing it?" he asked.

"I have actually," said Halle. "First, we've determined that this is, or rather was, FBI agent Raye Penbar. Second, he's very…bitey. They seem to crave human flesh,"

"Raye Penbar? Wasn't he one of the FBI agents L sent to investigate Kira suspects?" asked Yamamoto.

"Why, yes. In fact, I believe he was the one who was assigned to monitor Light Yagami. This could mean there's a connection between the undead outbreak and the Kira case, hmm," answered Near. Matsuda, meanwhile, was barely listening (He was mostly thinking about pandas). However, he then felt a cold chill against his neck. Turning around, Matsuda saw the familiar tentecled face of Cuttles. The Shinigami leered at him.

"Uh, guys? May I use the little detective's room?" asked Matsuda. Near wrinkled his nose.

"Sure, it's in the back," he said. Matsuda quickly ran towards the bathroom.

When he got to the bathroom Matsuda saw Cuttles materialize through the walls.

"C'mon, man, are you ever gonna stop crapping yourself?" asked the Shinigami. "Well, at least you have an excuse to be here,"

"Why do you keep following me?" asked Matsuda.

"Haven't I told you this? You're fun to be around. The Shinigami Realm is so boring! All we do is sleep and gamble. We don't even have anything to gamble with except oxygen particles. Now, the human world, on the other hand, is a ball of laughs!" replied Cuttles.

"Okay, fine. What do you want with me?" said Matsuda lamely.

"I want YOU to keep suspicion away from yourself as long as possible. That way, I'll have more fun! ~ 3" replied Cuttles. "Now go get back out there and par-tay!" And at that, the Shinigami pushed Matsuda out the door.

Matsuda got back to the others in time to see them in the middle of a game of Dungeons and Dragons.

"You have just reached a mossy cave. A horde of Gnoll berserkers surround you. What do you do?" recited Near.

"Guys, I'm back," announced Matsuda.

"Dammit, Matsuda! I was about to kick some Gnoll ass!" complained Yamamoto.

"Glad you're back, Matsuda. I've printed information for you to take to Aizawa," said Near.

"And we have supplies for the return home," said Halle. She then lead Matsuda and Yamamoto to an armory and tossed them a couple of guns. "Take these. They're high powered machine guns. Aim for the heads," she advised. As Matsuda and Yamamoto left, the latter shuddered.

"Do you think we'll encounter any more of those things?" asked Yamamto.

"I don't know, Yama, bit I do know that I'd kill a horde of 'em for a delicious lambchop!" replied the ever cheerful Matsuda. Yamamoto just facepalmed. Little did the two police officers know that they were being watched.

The two Reanimated watched the two warily. The first one grumbled in complaint. The second one tried to quiet him. The other slapped away its claws and grunted an explaination of why they were stalking the two policemen. The first Reanimated snarled in surprise that the second knew the two. The second nodded. The first did a sort of half-grimace-half-snarl.

"Braaaiiiiinsss!" it said happily. The other nodded in agreement. The two Reanimated started to shamble towards Matsuda and Yamamoto.

_**Yeah, I know its a bit late. Sorry 'bout that. I've been having a bit of writer's block. Also, the story will soon pick up a bit, hopefully in the next chapter. So if you like this, please review!**_


	5. Brains

Yamamoto was quickly growing tired of his confederate. It wasn't that Matsuda was a mean or bad person, he was just _too_ cheerful. It wouldn't kill him to show some emotion other then child-like joy, they were in the middle of a zombie apocalypse for Amaterasu's sake. This, combined with his sheer stupidity, made Matsuda an extremely annoying person.

Yamamoto was the opposite. He was a stern policeman not given to acts of foolishness, a true man among men. Which why he rolled on the floor while crying in hysterical fear when a stray cat ran up to him and walked across his feet.

"Are you okay?" asked Matsuda.

"SHUT UP AND DIE ALREADY!" cried Yamamoto.

"Who're you talking too?" asked Matsuda. Yamamoto just sobbed. The other officer looked around in alarm. "Um, Yama?" said Matsuda. "I think we're being attacked," At this Yamamoto sprang up and saw that Matsuda was indeed right. They were being approached by a Reanimated.

"Holy Crap! What're we going to do?" said Yamamoto.

"I think we should try to contact it," said Matsuda. Yamamoto again facepalmed as Matsuda walked towards the Reanimated.

"No, Matsuda," said Yamamoto.

"Hi there!" said Matsuda to the Reanimated. " Why are you doing this? What do you want?"

"BRRRAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNSSSSSSSSSSS," the Reanimated mumbled. Matsuda shook his head.

"So I see you want brains, but have you considered other means of nourishment?" asked Matsuda. The corpse paused for a moment before lunging at Matsuda.

"BBBBBRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAA!" it roared before it was shot in the head by Yamamoto.

"Don't say I never do anything for you," muttered the bespectacled policeman. Matsuda looked at Yamamoto with shock.

"Yama! Don't you know that the gun shots will attract more?" said Matsuda. Sure enough, the two were soon approached by a large horde of Reanimated.

"Stop looking at me like that," said Yamamoto to Matsuda. "It's not like they're running zombies,"

"HOLY SHIT! THEY'RE RUNNING ZOMBIES!" shouted Yamamoto as he and Matsuda ran from the undead horde. The gibbering corpses snarled and lunged at the two men as they ran through the deserted city. They hit a dead-end.

"Quick, Matsuda, bet out your machine gun!" yelled Yamamoto as he took out his. Matsuda looked at his weapon in confusion.

"How do I fire this?" he asked. "Do I click this little button?" Doing so resulted in a hail of bullets being poured on the Reanimated. Yamamoto soon joined in the carnage. However, by the time they were done, there were still hordes of Reanimated left.

"Well, this is it, Matsuda," said Yamamoto. But Matsuda wasn't listening. He simply unlocked the door behind him and opened it. From behind came an army of forty cats. There were tabbies, black cats, white cats, calicoes, and every other kind of cat. The furry animals leapt upon the Reanimated and began to consume their rotting flesh. Yamamoto wasn't sure whether the scene was disgusting or adorable. It was kind of a combination. A small brown tabby walked up to Matsuda and meowed.

"Good job, Mr. Whiskers," said Matsuda. "But you must rally the others!" The cat nodded and walked away. Yamamoto looked oddly at his partner.

"Did that cat just nod at you?" he asked.

"Maybe," replied Matsuda. "Now let's go,"

On top of a nearby building, the two Reanimated watched. The burned one was squeeing (or at least as much as a zombie can) at the cute kitties while the other one just watched in mild distaste. When the cats dispersed, the second Reanimated signaled to the other that it was time to go. The first mumbled in disappointment before realizing they were going to have a very hard time getting off that building. Heck, it couldn't even remember how they got to the top in the first place…

Meanwhile, Matsuda and Yamamoto had finally reached the police head quarters. Aizawa looked up from his paperwork.

"I see your back," said the police chief. Close by, Mogi looked up from his chess game with Ide with an expectant look on his face. Aizawa sighed as he handed the other officer a large wad of money.

"Sir, we successfully contacted Near. He gave us this information known about the undead outbreak," said Yamamoto respectfully as he gave Aizawa the paper the information was printed on. The police chief looked at the paper. It read:

Police Chief Aizawa-

It has come to our attention that the rising dead have all had some connection to the Kira case. Most of them are the remains of criminals that were killed by Kira. We currently believe that this phenomenon is some how related to the Death Note. If you can find any evidence that agrees with this, please contact us. It should be noted that the beings, which we have dubbed 'Reanimated', have an undeniable craving for human flesh. Fortunately, they do not spread their infection. They are, however, very fast and athletic, and seem to have some form of intelligence. It has been discovered that the most effective of killing them is by shooting them in the head.

See you later,

Near

P.S. Rester says 'hi'.

Aizawa looked up from the letter.

"I guess this information can come in handy. Say, did anyone follow you?" he said. Yamamoto shook his head.

"Nope. We didn't see any other living humans in the city, and Matsuda's cats ate all the Reanimated that were chasing us," he replied.

"Huh, that's strange. I could swear that we're being watched," mused Aizawa. Nearby, Matsuda pointed to the station's door.

"Um, guys, we have visitors," said Matsuda. The others turned towards the door and gasped. Standing in the open doorway were the two Reanimated.

_**Sometimes I wonder if I make Matsuda too naive. But still. So the two Reanimated entered the police station?! GaspShockHorror! What will the policemen do? Who were the Reanimated (Though I think must of you already know)? Please Review!**_


	6. Confrontation

_**This chapter might contain some gruesome imagery. It's not too bad, but still, be warned.**_

The two Reanimated limped towards the policemen. Yamamoto clutched his machine gun and tried to shoot at them, only to find out it was out of ammo. Aizawa backed toward the wall and tried to grab for a pistol. Ide began to build a barricade out of nearby chairs. Mogi tore out a doorknob and began to aim at the grotesque mockeries of human beings. Matsuda stared at a butterfly on the wall.

"W…who are they?" stuttered Yamamoto. Aizawa lowered his gun as he looked closer at the Reanimated.

"Oh, god, I think that one of them is L. I don't know who the other one is," he said. The Reanimated that was L nodded slowly as the other one limped towards the policemen.

"Bbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiinnn nnssssssss," it hissed. Nearby Reanimated L growled at him.

"Beyond, we shouldn't moan at people we know," L mumbled. The other Reanimated turned to him with a disappointed look on his face.

"C'mon, Lawliet, you know that's what we came here for," he whined. All the spectators gaped at the two.

"…You can talk?" asked Matsuda. L turned to the policeman.

"Ah, Matsuda-san, nice to see you again. I see you haven't changed much since I died," he said cheerfully.

"Can't we just get on with eating them?" whined the other Reanimated.

"Wait," said Aizawa. "If you're L, then who's he?" he asked, pointing to the other Reanimated. It swaggered up to him.

"You don't know who I am? I'm the infamous Beyond Birthday, of course!" it said. BB turned to L. "Why didn't you tell them about me?" L shrugged.

"I just never had time. I was to busy trying to catch Kira," he replied. BB pouted.

"What's with your obsession with this Kira clown? What is he, your boyfriend?" he said.

"Well, he killed you, and was responsible for my death," said L.

"You mean Light didn't kill you?" asked Matsuda, who was trying to break up the weird zombie bromance thing.

"Ah, so you finally outed Light as Kira. But no, that shinigami killed me," replied L.

"Okay, but what are you guys here for" asked Ide from behind his barricade.

"Don't you know? We're here to eat your BBBBBRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAI…" began BB before L silenced him with an angry glance. "Spoil sport," BB said under his breath.

"Yeah, but you can't win, you're outnumbered," pointed out Aizawa as Mogi tossed his doorknob at L. It bounced harmlessly off the Reanimated's eye socket.

"…Beyond, you can attack them now," said L.

"BITCHIN!" shouted BB as he leaped at the policemen.

The Reanimated charged with crazy speed. The officers dodged to avoid BB's clawed hands and gaping mouth.

"Yamamoto, Matsuda, you take BB, we'll take L!" shouted Aizawa.

"Wait, what?" asked Yamamoto as BB pounced on him. He struggled with the Reanimated before tossing him over into the door that lead into the closet. The door broke and BB tumbled noisily down the stairs. Nearby, Matsuda grabbed a bat.

"C'mon, Yama! Let's finish him off!" he shouted.

"Are you insane?!" shouted Yamamoto. "I'm not going down there with that thing!" But his shouting was to no avail. Matsuda ran down the stairs, bat in hand. Yamamoto sighed in hopelessness before he followed him downstairs. As soon as Yamamoto poked his head through the doorway he was immediately attacked by BB.

"Why do you keep picking on me?" complained Yamamoto.

"Do you really think _Matsuda_ will have enough brains to quell _MY_ APPETITE? Besides, I think your glasses are _kyoooot_~" replied BB. Just as the Reanimated was about to chomp down on Yamamoto's skull, Matsuda leaped from an unseen hiding place and kicked BB in the shin. BB dropped Yamamoto down the stairs.

"What the hell did you do that for?" asked a sore Yamamoto. BB ignored him and turned to Matsuda.

"YOU! How dare you kick _me_, BEYOND BIRTHDAY, IN. THE. SHIIIIIINNNSS?!" shouted BB.

"No one takes my friend's glasses!" replied Matsuda. "You see, foul villain, I am a master of Dumbass-fu!"

"HA, then, PUUUUUUNNNYY _MORTAL_! For I too am a _master _of Dumbass-fu!" screamed BB. The two walked down the stairs and bowed. Matsuda threw his bat to Yamamoto. It hit him in the face.

"Come on now, man!" said Yamamoto. He picked up the bat and began to examine it. "Wait, why do we have a baseball bat in the police station?" he asked no one in particular. He looked up to see Matsuda and BB going at each other with a fighting style that resembled a mix of Jujitsu, Kung-fu, and the deranged flailing of someone who overdosed on PCP. Matsuda kicked out at BB, who responded by tripping him and punching him rapidly while making sounds straight out of _Fist of the North Star_. Fortunately, Matsuda was able to dodged and got back up. Matsuda retreated slightly and tried to search for a weapon in the supply closet. He found a shovel and grabbed it. BB leaped at him, but Matsuda dodged him again. This caused the Reanimated to flop to the ground. Matsuda, tightly gripping the shovel, brought the scoop down on BB's neck. There was a loud snap and a grotesque oozing sounding. BB's head had fallen off. What remained of his neck was oozing out blood and a strange, glowing green slime. The severed head rolled on the floor. Yamamoto got up and examined the two parts.

"Disgusting," he said as he kicked BB's head. Suddenly, the head went back to life. Somehow leaping up, it bit Yamamoto in the groin.

Meanwhile, upstairs, L and the other policemen were patiently having a stare off. Suddenly, Ide heard an odd sound.

"Did anyone here a small girl screaming?" he asked. Suddenly Yamamoto burst from the closet with BB's head firmly latched to his crotch, followed by Matsuda.

"OMIGOD! OMIGOD! GET IT OFF ME! OMIGOD!" screamed Yamamoto. L widened his eyes at BB's head.

"Beyond! What did they do to you?" asked L. BB's head let go of Yamamoto's groin.

"Lawliet, you probably already noticed this, but I'm a head now," replied BB. L shambled up to the head and picked it up.

"Well, you may have left Beyond as a head, but we'll still win," said L.

"Like Hell you will!" shouted Matsuda. "Not only are there more of us then you, but Near and the rest of the SPK aren't to far away!" BB and L looked at eachother.

"Near? Ain't he that albino kid with the legos?" asked the head.

"Near's is not far away? Beyond, I'm afraid we're going to have a change of plan," said L. At that, L walked away from the police station, still carrying BB's severed head. All the officers looked on in shock.

"…The hell?" asked Aizawa.

_**Please Review**_


	7. Searching

It was decided. The Japanese task force had to get to Near and the others before BB and L did. They needed to pass through the Reanimated-filled wasteland. So they suited up.

Aizawa put on a crisp new policeman uniform and a pair of bright red aviator sunglasses. He grabbed a truly massive sawn-off shotgun and put several loads of ammo into his belt. He also tucked a kukri knife into his belt.

Mogi put on Kevlar body armor and a bandolier filled with assault rifle cartridges. He nestled the AK-47 that the cartridges went with in his hands. It had a knife duct taped to the end of the barrel to serve as a kind of pseudo-bayonet.

Ide had strapped on a leather jacket (all the better to prevent road rash and zombie bites!) He carried a crossbow in his hands and wore an axe on his back.

Yamamoto shoved multiple pistols into his belt and cross belt. He also kept a bowie knife in his belt. He had also sharpened the tips of his glasses just in case of emergencies.

Matsuda had his bat and cat sweater.

And so our brave heroes crossed through the threshold of the Police Headquarter's door. They gazed at the barren land. A cold wind blew. They knew that if they didn't act out, the entire human might be doomed.

"Why aren't we hurrying up?" asked Yamamoto, giving voice to these thoughts. Aizawa grunted in agreement. The policemen promptly took four steps before being swarmed by Reanimated. A battle between humans and undead quickly came to be.

"WHY ARE THEY SO DAMN FAST?!" yelled Aizawa as he put several bullets into many Reanimated.

"I know, right?" answered Yamamoto as he stabbed one in the face. Soon, the horde began to thin. Aizawa sheathed his weapons as the last Reanimated was killed.

"We should get going," he mused. "We need to get to Near before _they _do"

"What would those two do with Near?" asked Matsuda. "He's surrounded by guards, there's no way they could touch him," said the policeman before he slipped on a puddle of Reanimated remains. Matsuda moaned in disgust as he lifted himself off the ground. Nearby Ide scraped some of the remains off the ground and examined them.

"Nasty stuff," Ide remarked. "Why is there green stuff in their blood?" Matsuda had gotten up and was trying to wipe the slime off his sweater.

"Um, did anyone notice me tripping?" asked Matsuda.

"I sure did," said the familiar voice of Cuttles. Matsuda blanched

"Uh, guys, I need to do something in private real quick. Yeah," stuttered the detective to his teammates before scampering off. Aizawa watched the man running off.

"Does anyone think that Matsuda's just trying to flirt with his imaginary boyfriend?" the police chief asked. The others shouted in agreement.

Cuttles was the last person (if shinigami can be considered people) that Matsuda wanted to see. Hell, he would rather see BB and L. Sure, they were flesh-eating monsters, but at least they weren't humongous pricks.

"Eeeeeey! Wazzup?" asked the shinigami cheerfully.

"'Up?' Nothing's 'up'! I was attacked by my former employer and his evil twin, I tripped into a pile of zombie guts, and my friends probably think I either have some kind of urinary problem or an imaginary boyfriend," replied Matsuda matter-of-factually.

"How fascinating! YOU, sir, are fascinating! THE WHOLE WORLD…IS FASCINATING! =D" shouted Cuttles. "I LOVE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!" Matsuda winced.

"You are incredibly messed up," noticed Matsuda.

"I know~," squeed Cuttles. "Now it's time for a scene change~,"

"What," said Matsuda.

While the tale of the awkward detective and his squid person thing continued, BB and L were stumbling through the ruined streets.

"Laaaaaawliet," moaned BB's head. "Why did you have to dick around with those detective losers?"

"Well, there was a 90.5% chance of us getting brains, though I admit I greatly miscalculated Matsuda-san's skills at Dumbass-fu. But, at least we made it out alive, or at least undead," mused L.

"Speak for yourself. You have a body, while I just have a head," mumbled BB. L just ignored the talking head he was carrying. A rumbling came from a pile of burned rubble.

"Beyond, do you here that? Do you think that it might be a living human with delicious brains?" asked L.

"Oh, sure rub the whole brains thing in the face of the person who can't digest anything," complained BB.

"Technically, since you don't have lungs, you shouldn't be able to talk, either," L pointed out. BB simply grumbled. The two Reanimated came face to face with the rubble pile. Another Reanimated emerged from it. It was younger and less rotted then BB and L, and it had burn scarring similar to BB. It had long blonde hair and was clad in leather clothing.

"L? Is that you?" it asked.

"Huh, who's this kid?" muttered BB.

"Mello, I should have guessed that Kira had gotten to you," said L to the other Reanimated, ignoring BB.

"Yeah, that ass killed me," sneered Mello. "Uh, what's with the head?"

"Oh, him? This is BB. I believe I've told you about him before," said L.

"Yo," said BB. Mello just stared at the head.

"So, Mello, we're going to visit Near. Would you like to join?" asked L, trying to break the awkward silence. Mello looked at L with a hungry look in his eyes.

"He, so that twerp survived the case. I'll join you. I wonder…what will Near think when he sees us," he said, grinning meanly.

"I like this kid already!" exclaimed BB.

_**Sorry this was late. Last week was incredibly busy, and I also had suffered some Writer's block. So yeah. Reviewers get free BBBRRRRRAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNSSS!**_


	8. Returning

Matsuda desperately wanted to get away from Cuttles. He had to get to Near, darn it, and this Shinigami was just being an annoyance.

"STOP IGNORING MEEEEEEEE!" whined Cuttles.

"Listen, you!" shouted Matsuda. "I really need to get to this guy and save the world!"

"Save the world? How cliché. Why can't you humans just sit down and enjoy a zombie apocalypse for once, eh?" pouted Cuttles. "Fine, I'll let you go. But remember, I'll always be watching," The Shinigami turned to leave. But before he flew off, Cuttles looked at Matsuda and tossed him another manila folder full of Death Note papers. "But, just in case you get tired of trying to save the world, you can have these. It's the rest of Kira's victims. Ciao," he said, flying off. Matsuda picked up the folder off the floor and remembered he still had the Death Eraser in his pocket. Slipping the folder up his sweater, Matsuda ran back to his companions.

* * *

"Do you think that Matsuda got eaten by the Reanimated?" asked Aizawa impatiently. "No one takes that much time to talk to their imaginary boyfriend,"

"You know what my theory is? I think his imaginary boyfriend IS a Reanimated," commented Ide, scraping some remains off the bottom of his shoe. "Oh, look, he's getting back now," Matsuda walked up to the others.

"Sorry guys! I just had to, uh, pee. Again," he said.

"Dammit, Matsuda, you should relly check to make sure you don't have some kind of urinary incontinence," grumbled Aizawa. "C'mon, we've got to get to Near before more of those things attack," Matsuda silently fell back next to Yamamoto.

"Did anything happen while I was gane?" he whispered to the bespectacled detective.

"No. I think that Aizawa's just worried about the Reanimated. After all, if they can think and act like when they were alive, then who knows what they'll do?" replied Yamamoto.

"Yeah," said Matsuda, remembering that most of Kira's victims were criminals. He suddenly felt an urge to erase the names from the packet Cuttles gave him. What was it about the Death Eraser that so compelled him? Was it the dark shinigami magic imbued within it? Was it an urge to see beyond the fragile depths of "life"? Or was it just that the Death Eraser was pure Shmuck Bait? So many theories… but the last one was probably the most correct.

* * *

While fear and tension was running high among the Japanese task force, Near sitting in his base, serenely playing around with a toy robot set. Rester and Lidner walked up to him.

"What is it, commander?" asked the young genius boredly.

"Sir, we've gotten reports that the Reanimated are acting strangely," replied Rester.

"How so?" asked Near. Lidner stepped up.

"Some have said that the Reanimated have begun to act more human-like. I've also noticed similar behavior in our captive one," she said.

"Is that so?" said Near. There was a long pause. "…so do we have any idea _where _these things came from?"

"No," admitted Rester. "But reviewing the records of these beings, we have determined that all of them were Kira victims,"

"Kira…" muttered Near darkly. "If they're Kira victims and starting to act like they used to, then bad times are ahead,"

"Because most of them were already criminals?" asked Lidner.

"Yes, but I also fear that certain other victims, far more intelligent than the average human, might be on the loose," said the ambiguously albino genius.

"You mean?!" gasped Rester.

"Yes," replied Near flatly.

* * *

"Laaaaaaaaaaawliet, can we buy ice cream?" pouted the severed head that was once Beyond Birthday.

"No," said L bluntly.

"Why are you so meeeeeeaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn?" sobbed the head.

""Yeah, L. I want ice cream too!" said Mello.

"See this, Beyond? You've corrupted him!" complained L.

"You told me about him," pointed out Mello.

"Oh, what's this I hear?" mused BB.

"Beyond, there is a 70% chance that I might throw you this building," said L through gritted teeth.

"Just try," snarled BB. At that, L did in fact throw BB's head at the building.

"Ow! That was meeeaaaan!" whined BB. Mello limped over to pick him up. "See Lawliet! I have a new biffle now!" said the head triumphantly. L just stared strangely.

"…I don't think I understand, or care. We need to go find Near," the Reanimated muttered.

_**I HAVE RETUUUURRRRNNNEEDDD! Yeah, sorry for the long absence. School started recently, so I haven't had a lot of time update any fan fictions. So yeah. Reviews would be extremely welcome! (=**_


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